Legacy of Bob: Goth Omen 2
by Bob McTrendy
Summary: A parody of Blood Omen 2
1. Default Chapter

Disclaimer: We don't own Legacy of Kain or the characters.

Author's note: Yes, I hated BO2, that's why I'm parodying this.  If you liked it and think this will offend you, stop reading.  If you hated BO2 and/or can take a joke, please continue.  And for future reference, if you liked BO2, choose to read, and flame me, I will only laugh at your idiocy.

Legacy of Bob: Goth Omen 2

For future reference, these are whom the characters are parodying.

Bob- Kain

Joe- Vorador

Tami- Umah

Roger- Sarafan Lord

Butch- Janos Audron

Tom- Faustus

Dick- Marcus

Harry- Sebastian

Bubba- Magnus

Prologue

Scene: The HQ of Bob's vampire army.

Bob: Ahh, what a day.

Tom: Sir, why don't you have a drink or two and calm down.

Bob: Thank you, Tom.  What shall I have?  *Looks through the cooler* Ahh, here we go.  *Pulls out a bottle* Ahh, Blood Lite.

Bob, Tom, Dick, and Harry sit down as Bob enjoys a few Blood Lites.

Bob: You know what'sth wrong with thisth world? *hic*    I don't own it!  *He gets up and stumbles.*  We gotta change that!  *Bob picks up the Soul Reaver and stumbles to the next room where Joe is looking at a map.* Ok, Joe, nexth sthtop isth Meridian!  We're gonna kick assth and take namesth!  

Joe: Bob, you're drunk.

Bob: Stho?

Joe: Do you think now would be a good time to strike?  
  
Bob: Heeeeeeell yeah!

Joe: Don't you think you want to hold the Soul Reaver with your right hand and not your left?

Bob: I do have it in my right hand.  *He waves his left hand, which is holding the Reaver*

Joe: *Sigh* Whatever.  You're the boss.

Bob: Damn right I am. 

So, Bob and his forces head for Meridian, when a man named Roger stops them.

Roger: Oh man, I gotta pee...*He looks to see if anyone's watching.  When he discovers that he's the only one on the roof top, he unzips his pants and lets it flow.*  Ahhhhhhhhhhhh

*Bob approaches with his armies in the meantime.*  
  
Bob: One...two...three GOOO!  *He gives the order to charge*

Roger: Huh?  Oh crap, I'm not finished.  

*Bob stumbles forward until he feels something damp*  
  
Bob: What...oh gross, someone's taking a leak on me!  *Roger hops down and strikes Bob down*  AAAAAAAAAAH!  

Roger: Oh, that guy dropped his sword.  Mine now!  Finders keepers, losers weepers! Nyah!

Now, what happened to Bob?  Stay tuned to find out.


	2. Chapter 1

Bob VO: From the shards of broken bottles I rose, unwilling, tossed upon tides of pain that flowed and ebbed and left me seeringly awake. And more revoltingly, with a hangover.  
  
Tami: Good evening, we didn't expect you to wake so soon. You were trashed.  
  
Bob: Where am I? I don't remember.  
  
Tami: Not surprising considering the amount of booze you drank. Know that your name is Bob and you were once a great drinker.  
  
Bob: What exactly happened?  
  
Tami: You got shitfaced and tried to take on an enemy you couldn't defeat. You got your butt kicked and ended up here, tee hee, in my room.  
  
Bob: And who're you?  
  
Tami: I am Tami, and I am here to help you.or myself. Tell me, do you remember your nature?  
  
Bob: I remember the call of nature. Why do I have a penis drawn on my face?  
  
Tami: Let me show the future.the Future Land at Disney World! They've got space mountain, and a water ride, but I don't suggest the water ride. Anyway, this is what has become of Nosgoth. *Tami opens a curtain*  
  
Bob: A brick wall?  
  
Tami: Sorry, wrong curtain. *She closes the curtain* You were once a great general...but you got blasted one night and ran into battle in a drunk stupor. You got your ass soundly kicked. And your army was scattered. Everyone thought you dead.  
  
Bob: Who kicked my ass?  
  
Tami: The Sarafan. An army of fanatical humans sworn to eradicate all vampires from the world, and to bake the perfect pie.  
  
Bob: They have not succeeded.  
  
Tami: Not yet, but their bakers are skilled. We've been trying to restore order in the city.  
  
Bob: The natural order?  
  
Tami: No, fast food orders. I've been waiting on my cheeseburger for months!  
  
Bob: You said you found me blitzed, who are you?  
  
Tami: We are the Cable, we seek to undermine the Sarafan at every turn, and steal their pie recipes.  
  
Bob: I thought you were the-  
  
Tami: Nope, copyright infringement.  
  
Bob: Ahh.  
  
Tami: We need you Bob, mostly because of your legendary lemon merengue pie recipe.  
  
Bob: I have a pie recipe?  
  
Tami: Your memory will return in time. For now, we'll continue bastardizing the character you're parodying by making you into a super cool ultra trendy gothic prettyboy.  
  
Bob: Sounds neato, but I remember playing the part of a pawn once before. It ended badly.  
  
Tami: Oh, you were awake when I did that to you?  
  
Bob: What?  
  
Tami: .nevermind.  
  
Bob: Ok, lets go kill this Sarafan Lord!  
  
Tami: If it were so easy, we would have done it ourselves. He too is protected by other vampires.  
  
Bob: Vampires in service to the Sarafan, are they mad?  
  
Tami: Yes, the Sarafan have a better dental plan.  
  
Bob: Oh, *shrugs shoulders* makes sense. Gotta have a dental plan.  
  
Bob VO: My senses spun around me, I was still sloshed.  
  
Tami: You should have eaten before you drank. And never beer before liquor. Oh well, better late than never. Come on, Bob lets go to GothDonald's. 


	3. Chapter 2

Tami: Bob.  
  
Bob: Huh?  
  
Tami: Do not be afraid, I'm using the whisper, a natural ability-  
  
Bob: What're you talking about; you're on your cell phone?  
  
Tami: Shut up you. Get your ass over here anyway.  
  
Bob: Ok. *Bob runs down the street and finds Tami holding her sides while laughing* what's so funny?  
  
Tami: You run like a pansy! *Points and laughs*  
  
Bob: At least I don't stick my chest in the air for all to see when I jump. *Tami stops laughing*  
  
Tami: Lets continue. Jump onto this ledge with me. *She jumps first, then Bob jumps* Know that you also have the ability to float. You won't actually use this at any time, but it's there. GothDonald's is over the ledge. Lets go. *Bob and Tami order their food, eat, and leave GothDonald's. * To the right is Sanctuary.  
  
Bob: Did you rip that name off of Sanctuary of the Clans from Soul Reaver?  
  
Tami: Ummm...no. *sweat drops and shifting eyes* Hey, if you want to be technical, Soul Reaver takes place AFTER Blood Omen 2, so Soul Reaver ripped off of Blood Omen 2. Uh huh. *Nods unconvincingly*  
  
Bob: Uhh sure. *Glyph energy separates the two* what the hell is this?  
  
Tami: Glyph energy, this stuff'll burn like a mofo if you touch it. You'll have to find another way to Sanctuary. Go through the Smuggler's Tunnel.  
  
Bob: Okie dokie. *Skips along* I'm so happy! Ok, Smuggler's Tunnel. I wonder where it could be? *Bob misses the bright neon sign that says "Smuggler's Tunnel Here"*  
  
Bystander: Hey, you, Goth boy!  
  
Bob: Who're you?  
  
Bystander: Tami told me to be on the lookout for an ultra trendy goth who spews out ridiculous lines.  
  
Bob: That's me! Bystander: Well, dipshit, you just missed the Smuggler's Tunnel. *Points at the neon sign*  
  
Bob: Ohhhhhhhhh there it is! Hey, why're you helping one such as I anyway?  
  
Bystander: The Sarafan won't share their pies with us.  
  
Bob: Fair enough. Toodles! *Skips down the tunnel* Tra la la la la. 


	4. Chapter 3

Legacy of Bob: Goth Omen 2  
  
Chapter 3  
  
*Bob enters the Smuggler's Den.*  
  
Tami: *whispering* Greetings, Bob.  
  
Bob: You eluded the guards?  
  
Tami: They were no match for my jigglers.  
  
Bob: You make Jell-O?  
  
Tami: The best in Nosgoth!  
  
Bob: You'll have to let me sample your jigglers sometime.  
  
Tami: Oh you know I will.  
  
Bob: So, I'm to go through a Smuggler's Tunnel. Where is it?  
  
Tami: Do I look like a Meridian tour guide? I can barely find my own feet without a mirror! I have sent Cable technicians to help guide you.  
  
Bob: How will I know this person?  
  
Tami: He will know you, and be near the Cable van. The one that says Time Warner.  
  
Bob: Wait; hold on, my makeup is smearing. *Touches up* Ok. Time Warner Cable van. Got it. *Skips along* (Realistically, I shouldn't know what a van is, but that's beside the point. After all, nobody's really marking this fic or the game for consistencies.)  
  
*Bob skips along and finds a van*  
  
Bob: Hi. I heard you have something for me.  
  
Crack dealer: I got lotsa stuff for ya if you have the dough. *Shows various selections of crack*  
  
Cable Guy: *From across the street* HEY STUPID OVER HERE!  
  
Bob: OHHHHHH, there's the Cable van! So, who are you?  
  
Cable Guy: Caaaaaaablllllllle Guuuuuuuuuy!  
  
Bob: Ummm K.  
  
Cable Guy: I'm going to take you a few blocks down, and then use a lift to get you underground.  
  
Bob: Nosgoth has lifts?  
  
Cable Guy: Nosgoth has many technologies it shouldn't have, but not lifts. I'm really just going to shove you down a hole.  
  
Bob: Sounds fun! Lets go!  
  
*Cable Guy takes Bob down to the Smuggler's Tunnel. It has a sign saying Smuggler's Tunnel with Smuggler's crossed out and Of Love written underneath Tunnel. *  
  
Bob: This is safe, right?  
  
Cable: ...Yeah *shoves Bob into the tunnel. He lands on his head* Well.for me. Heheheh.  
  
Bob: Ow. At least I landed on my head and didn't damage anything. *He travels along until he meets Tom. *  
  
Tom: G'Day Bob, do you remember me who served you so well?  
  
Bob: Yes, I do! You made one mean martini.  
  
Tom: I've moved onto my own brand of beer.  
  
Bob: What kind of beer?  
  
Tom: *Camera zooms in on Bob* Goth boy. *Can of beer slams down* Beer. Faustus: Nosgothic for beer.  
  
Bob: Faustus. Sounds yummy.  
  
Tom: URGH! YUMMY? What are you a 15-year-old teenybopper female with pigtails and a Britney Spears poster?  
  
Bob: No......I'm a 400-year-old vampire with a Christina Aguleira poster! Get it right.  
  
Tom: I'll destroy you where you stand!  
  
Bob: Then I'll sit. *Sits down*  
  
Tom: Blast it! Now what am I gonna do?  
  
Bob: We play hot potato with a bomb.  
  
Tom: Sounds fair. *They throw a bomb back and forth. It eventually blows Tom to Kingdom Come. *  
  
Bob: Yay, I win! *Cue Final Fantasy victory music as Bob spins once then jumps up and down flailing his arms. *  
  
*Sign comes up*  
  
Sign: Bob gains 200 EXP. Found 500 GP and MAKEUP. Learned LONG JUMP. Bob gained one level. Bob is at level 3. 


End file.
